In preparation for Colors #84-Apocalypse, we've figured out how to build fallout shelters with only a toothpick and some used toilet paper, spent hours reading long and boring reports about the effect of cow farts on the atmosphere, learned calculus, argued with anthropologists about Mayan civilization, tested flood simulators, charted the future for the next 100 years, and written our last wills and testaments.
We understand every acronym in an IPCC report, and we know who ran the Atomic Energy Commission during the Nixon administration. In the name of Research, we have photographed a man peeing on his own hand. In other words, we have totally prepared for whatever is coming, and #84-Apocalypse will help our readers survive the worst of it.
Unless what's coming is zombies.
"He chewed his ear - he must have been hungry," one witness told the NY Daily News on Friday “with a laugh”, and went on to speculate, "He must have been reading about that cannibal down in Miami or something." Sure. Everyone has been reading about that cannibal or something because there are cannibals-or-somethings staggering out of their studio apartments all over North America.
Friday afternoon, it was the guy who bit off another man’s ear in a pizzeria. Last week, it was the man who nipped his cousin’s nose in the heat of an argument. And then there's the Maryland engineering student who ate his friend's brain and heart.
We’ve crunched the numbers; this is a zombie apocalypse. It’s a much scarier end-of-the-world than we expected. Colors was getting ready for catastrophic flooding caused by a one-meter rise in sea levels in the year 2090. But we don't know how to get ready for a face-eating Floridian high on drugs we’ve never heard of in May 2012.
We can't make sense of the blood-soaked packages mailed by an ice-pick-wielding, politically savvy porn star in Canada, of all places. (The accused is now on the loose in France). And not even the police can explain the pain-impervious gentleman who stabbed his stomach more than 50 times and then -undeterred by pepper spray or his wounds- went on to throw “bits” of intestines at law enforcement agents. In fact, officers got so upset that they just abandoned the scene, calling in a SWAT team to take over.
This is what’s really going on. We were way off with all that science and statistics. The end of the world starts simply, with a growing handful of North American zombies. Colors is just not prepared for that.
Illustration: Fan Qiao Wang