How To Get What You Want By Hiding

Food

Many challenges lie ahead of us all in life, and in the least expected places. One day, you could be minding your own business, say, buying food in a supermarket, and find yourself suddenly attacked by a salami-wielding septuagenarian. This recently happened in Aache, Germany, where one 53-year old woman was forced to defend herself with a piece of Parmesan during a tussle over shopping carts with an elderly man armed with cold cuts.

But anywhere else that the angry elderly might roam –on a bus, in the street, while visiting your grandmother- you won’t be able to hide behind a piece of cheese for self-defence. So keep careful note of your surroundings. Mark holes-in-the-wall, spacious dumpsters, and broad-shouldered strangers. The skill of self-concealment could well save your ass in a situation when there is no deli food to hand, and may be an essential asset in the struggle to get what you want out of life, shopping carts and all.


GET HOME
Hide in a Spare Cupboard
In 2008 in Fukuoka, Japan, a homeless woman named Tatsuko Horiwaka was found hiding in someone else’s cupboard- where she had been residing for about a year. The 58-year-old only ever sneaked out of her secret spot for the occasional snack or shower, so it wasn’t until the anonymous homeowner noticed his food disappearing that he installed security cameras and saw the woman wandering through his house. She was evicted, but has hopefully moved on to a new cabinet or closet somewhere else. Everybody needs a home. If you can’t afford your own, borrow a little part of someone else’s instead. Maybe go easy when raiding the fridge for a midnight snack though.

 

GET LOVE
Hide in the Dark
Eschewing the traditional approach of asking a girl for her number, 30-year-old Luke Chrisco was found last year while hiding under a set of porta-loos at a yoga festival in Colorado. His only explanation: “where there is muck, there is gold”. Chrisco claims that, shortly after joining the yogic exercises, he knew he would feel “blessed” by the bodily fluids of “all these goddesses”. But the sneaky obsession had actually started years before in France, where Chrisco would hide in air vents to check out girls with whom he “had never had a chance”. Lesson: If your self-esteem is low, find satisfaction by redefining the glory hole.

 

GET A JOB
Hide Inside Confectionary
With the employment market as it is, jobs are sparse and special skills may be your only way to the top. Do you have a love of small, dark spaces, jumping and cake? Birthday surprises may well be the career for you. The idea surfaced in 1985, when one New York newspaper printed a picture of a woman launching herself from a pie at the birthday party of American architect Stanford White. Be warned, though, this technique can come with collateral damage. Several years later, another woman’s jealous lover shot White in the face at a musical. Perhaps she had let White have his cake and eat it too?

 

Blog post courtesy of Grace Holliday

Illustration by Ieva Griskeviciute